I am a straight fraternity man who considers himself an ally.  I helped start my fraternity at my undergraduate institution and I worked for my national fraternity for a number of years. I have also worked as a Greek Advisor at various institutions, and served as a chapter advisor and alumni board member for several fraternity and sorority chapters.  In addition, my doctoral research focused on organizational excellence in Greek communities and I have been a consultant to nearly one hundred campuses in North America, focusing primarily on living up to the ideals of fraternity and sorority life.  These things in no way make me an expert on how to be an ally to gay fraternity men, however.  Nevertheless, the various experiences have allowed me to relate some of the things I have learned, mistakes I have made, and bridges I have built along the way.  Each of us as straight fraternity brothers has a role to play as an ally, standing up for our gay brothers in the fraternity. The lessons I have learned have not been simple, but the path continues to be one where together I hope we can fulfill the promise of brotherhood to any fraternity brother.

Lesson #1: You will make many mistakes.  Learn from each one.

Many of my experiences, especially the early ones, came not from consciously trying to be an ally, but rather from trying to be a good human being, “a man for others” as the Jesuit priests taught me in high school.  Indeed, high school is where I had my first experience with someone trying to come out to me.  It was not an experience of which I am proud. Religion played a big role in our education but we were also challenged to be critical thinkers.  It was the kind of environment where we built very close friendships and strong bonds with our classmates and where we were always joking, harassing, and ribbing each other.  You always knew exactly how to push people’s buttons and took every opportunity to do so in good fun.  In other words, it was very much like a fraternity. 

One of my classmates, Greg, was a popular kid in school, a better-than-average athlete, and an excellent student.  Greg often helped me with my worst subject—math.  That is why I was so surprised when he started to struggle with math halfway through our junior year.  When I asked him about it, I could tell he was glad I showed an interest. Still, he was not willing to talk about what was wrong.  I told him I would be there if he ever wanted to talk about anything.  Later that week, during a P.E. basketball game, Greg was not playing up to par.  After one particularly bad shot, I yelled at him, “Don’t be a fag, dude, take your shot.”  I patted him on the shoulder and kept jogging.

Greg was always cordial after that day, but much colder.  Three years after our graduation from high school, I ran into Greg at a party.  After some idle chit-chat, I asked him how he was doing with his family problem.  I was surprised at how quickly Greg opened up to me.  He told me that he was gay and had known it for a long time.  He had been struggling with how to tell his father and how to tell his friends who were constantly making jokes about “faggots.”  What Greg told me next is something I would never forget.  He reminded me of the incident on the basketball court where I had blatantly used the word “fag,” an occurrence that I had merely forgotten.  He told me that it was because of that incident, he had decided not to tell anyone in high school about his being gay.  Greg told me that instead he learned to hate me and some of the other classmates, just like he hated his father.  While at college, Greg had learned how to become more comfortable with his sexuality, and how to understand others’ reactions. He had learned how to talk to his father about being gay and he was making progress.  Greg told me that he had made many mistakes, just as I had, and that he knew I would learn from my mistakes just as he had.  He also told me he forgave me and hoped I would still be his friend. 

I never forgot that moment and vowed to be more open, sensitive, and supportive of Greg and others who might be gay around me.  Never did I understand the impact of words and that I might have other friends who are gay.  Until this point using those words did not mean anything, now I understood how much I should care.   I also came to the conclusion that mistakes were going to happen, and I needed to own my mistakes and learn from them.   No matter I kept moving forward and seized every moment to be an ally..  I am still learning, and still making mistakes, but I realize I am a better person because of learning to be an ally for those who are not like me.  I owe Greg a lot for teaching me this.  Even today, we are still friends. 

Lesson #2: Challenge your own mindset; then work on others.

The journey to becoming an ally begins in different places for different people.  In my opinion, it always starts internally with the desire to change.  You need to challenge your own mindset regularly if you want to become and remain an ally.  

In high school and in the fraternity, it was so easy to think and act like everyone else—especially when it came to sensitive issues like homosexuality.  I just wanted to fit in and to be accepted.  In talking to fraternity men—straight and gay—for the past fifteen years, I believe the experiences are quite common but the absence of serious critical thinking often is what leads to disaster.  We as fraternity men tend to adopt the group’s mindset and not challenge our own thought process and those of others around us.  The easy thing to do is to go with the flow. Moreover, most young men are hesitant to have deep, meaningful, constructive conversations about issues of sexuality.  Instead, we buy into stereotypes and negatively feed our prejudice toward gays. These ideals lead to the fervent belief that “nobody in our fraternity is gay.”  Or, “if someone in our fraternity is gay, he must want to have sex with me.”  Or, “if people find out someone in our fraternity is gay, we’ll be labeled the ‘gay fraternity’ and lose our reputation.”  With no one to challenge that mindset, homophobia flourishes and ignorance persists.

One fraternity I advised was able to challenge their own mindset successfully, one person at a time, thanks to a very dynamic individual.  It was my first year advising this fraternity, and I came to realize that the chapter president Zach, was a strong ally and knew there were gay members in the fraternity chapter.  Zach went out of his way to have one-on-one conversations with various members of the chapter, and asked them some difficult hypothetical questions. 

“If your actual brother was gay, would you hate him or want him out of your family?”  That was often the first one.  Then he would tee off with the next.  

“If our ritual talks about loving our brothers unconditionally how can we turn our backs on someone who is gay?”  Zach inquired awaiting a response in the uncomfortable silence.

Then another, “We don’t seem to care about what others think of us when it comes to other things, why would having a gay member be different?” By this time he was on a roll and he would go for the grand slam question.

“How is it different calling someone a fag than it is calling someone a spic or a nigger?” 

In time, Zach was able to help others in the chapter think more critically about the issue in an environment that would otherwise been fed directly from the group mindset.  The chapter members did not all change completely, but it became more acceptable to talk about homosexuality.  Zach’s leadership also made it easier to challenge the normal insensitive anti-gay behavior (even in the large group).  This made the fraternity a more comfortable environment for his brothers who were gay and for brothers who have gay loved ones.  Before he left office, I told Zach how impressed I was with his ability to promote positive change.  Zach explained that the chapter president when Zach was a freshman had taught him how to challenge mindsets appropriately in order to create a stronger brotherhood.  Zach had learned that you must challenge your own thought process before you can try to change the minds of others.  He believed that a fraternity that was open-minded could be the legacy of his leadership.  Zach merely wanted to keep the “new tradition” alive.  They may not be perfect, but I am happy to say that the tradition of challenging the group mindset is still alive in that fraternity chapter. 

Lesson #3: Feel comfortable in your own skin.

One big part of challenging your own mindset is being comfortable with your own sexuality.  There are often times I can remember when my sexuality was challenged growing up.  When I was younger, those kinds of attacks touched a nerve and made me act irrationally—again, because of a desire to fit in with the rest of the crowd.  At first, I reacted by retaliating with attacks of my own on the guys who were challenging me….calling them names or questioning their masculinity.  Over time, it became easier to become “proactive” and attack others first with anti-gay sentiments to prove my sexuality as a virile heterosexual. That way, there would be no question about my masculinity.  It became a vicious cycle, an immature game ignorance—attack and be attacked with no real understanding of what I was saying or why I was saying it.  Not until later in my life did I become comfortable in my skin with my sexuality.  Then those personal attackes no longer meant anything. I did not feel the need to attack anyone else in order to fit in.  More importantly, once I was free of that perpetual cycle, I was able to evaluate and question my homophobic tendencies. There was not any reason to act macho or to intentionally hurt others for my lack of self-confidence.  My  Mom always told me that you have to love yourself before you can love someone else.  I realize that idiom is very applicable with the concept of being an ally.  I did not realize it at the time, but feeling comfortable with my sexuality created the small window of opportunity I needed to start my journey as an ally.  When you are young and less secure, you believe that your manhood is being challenged when your sexuality is questioned. Being comfortable with yourself allows you to truly be a “real man.”   

Lesson #4: Watch your language.

“Sticks and Stones may break my bones, but names will never hurt me.”  The classic line could never be more wrong. Words can and do hurt others around you in more ways than you often know. Understanding how much your words can hurt or limit your friendship is another step you can take in challenging your mindset.

Developing a sensitive language is vital in becoming an ally.  As my story about Greg illustrates, even unintentional insensitivity can have grand repercussions.  The first step in developing a sensitive language is to become aware and familiar with appropriate terminology.  Greg was (and remains) a wealth of knowledge and has helped me understand the meaning of GLBT words and symbols.

Systematically as an ally you begin removing the inappropriate language from your vocabulary, not just when you are around someone that might take offense, but all the time.  It needs to become a regular part of your communication.  You also need to become aware of how language can hurt straight people too. Gay people have family and friends too.  Often these family members and friends also can be disgusted, hurt or otherwise impacted by such anti-gay language.

Lesson #5: Challenge others appropriately

Now hear this: If you handle every challenge, intervention, and teachable moment the same way every time, you will fail!  Challenging homophobic behavior is a two-way process and not only needs you to be ready as the challenger, but needs the other person or people to be ready as learners.  You will have many opportunities to make a difference.  These opportunities include interrupting homophobic jokes, challenging the use of inappropriate language, and even asking challenging questions to get others to critically evaluate their own stereotypes and prejudice.  Understand that these interventions have two purposes: (a) trying to open someone else’s eyes and make them less homophobic or even potentially have them take the first step toward being an ally, and (b) showing others visibly that you are indeed an ally, supportive of GLBT people and accessible as a means to educate others.

Everyone has a level of understanding and comfort with the issue of homosexuality. In my opinion, you cannot approach each intervention with the same level of challenge because not everyone is going to be ready.  Every situation is going to have a different context, comfort level, and set of background issues.  For example, as a Hispanic man, I realize that there is an extra layer of challenge for many of my Hispanic friends when it comes to the issue of homophobia. Yet, there is a comfort level being Hispanic that allows me to challenge them more directly than I could with someone with whom I was not familiar.  I can only imagine what Greg had to go through breaking the news to his Hispanic father. 

Handling someone who you know is more sensitive but has made an honest mistake will definitely be much different than handling someone who is highly homophobic and has a record of demonstrated hateful behavior.  The important thing, however, is to intervene, listen, and try to understand and relate your own experiences to each situation.  Connecting personally with the situation can help persuade change in attitudes and opinions as well as demonstrate your passion as an ally. You may not be able to change that person’s behavior immediately—in fact, I can almost guarantee that you won’t—but you may create that window of opportunity that will start them on their journey toward becoming an ally.  When you challenge others appropriately (at their level of understanding and with a personal connection) you have a better chance of creating an impact to change future behavior.  When you challenge others inappropriately, you risk the chance of them further digging in their heels and being resistant to any change at all.

Lesson #6: Don’t go it alone.

I love martial arts movies.  I find it amazing how one guy can take on a whole clan of ninjas and wipe them out.  Of course, in most martial arts movies, the groups of enemies know to attack the single hero one person at a time and always place themselves perfectly for his counter-attack.  Life is not a martial arts movie.  There is not any reason to take your journey alone as an ally.  There are so many resources to help you become an ally.

On most college campuses, there are programs like “Safe Zone,” “Rainbow Ally,” or otherwise designated programs for students who wish to become an ally to GLBT people. Also the Lambda 10 Project has a special “ALLY ZONE” section specifically for straight allies in the Greek system online at www.lambda10.org.  In addition, Lambda 10 and other sites offer literally hundreds of more GLBT resources at your fingertips online—chat rooms, bulletin boards, contact lists, educational handouts, etc..

Don’t underestimate the power of being visible and taking an active role on campus too.   As a straight ally, you can help create or get involved in your campus Gay & Straight Alliance or even create one just for your Greek system.   Such visibility further strengthens the message that there are straight people who have also come out as an ally to be supportive.  As a leader with your fraternity chapter, you can also help coordinate educational programs dealing with GLBT issues.  If you are somehow involved or connected to the national or international fraternity, perhaps you can introduce legislation that will add sexual orientation to their anti-discrimination policy.  Nothing can stop what you choose to do and often as a straight ally you have more power than GLBT brothers.  Anything is possible to achieve, and coming out as a straight ally can be enormous to your out brothers or to a closeted brother looking to find support in the fraternity.

I am proud to say that a few years ago my national fraternity at convention introduced legislation to add “sexual orientation” to the fraternity non-discrimination policies.  The voting body comprised almost entirely of undergraduates resoundingly passed without any problems.  No martial arts moves were necessary and the ripple-effect of other nationals doing the similar progressive efforts has begun.  Remember “one person can change the world” and that one person as an ally can be you.

Lesson #7: Listen with your heart, not just your ears.

All of the actions noted in the paragraphs above can help create a supportive environment for GLBT people, and will help show others that you are an ally.  Having someone coming out to you may occur before, during, or after your journey.  For some people, like me, the first time I met someone gay was the experience that started my personal journey to become an ally.  If someone does come out to you, it is important to be honest with the individual and yourself about your feelings.  I have had several people come out and each time was a new experience.  Each time I was at a different stage of my journey.  Plus, the person coming out was also at various levels of the coming out process and self acceptance..  Listening remains the first, second, and third most important thing allies can do when someone comes out.  Regardless of the situation, coming out is not about you.  Be sure to actively and intently listen before you speak or take any action. 

Not too long ago, a fraternity man was in the middle of coming out to me. I interrupted him and told him that others had also come out to me.   I told him I felt comfortable and I knew what he was going through.  Well, in actuality, I was way off.  He had been physically assaulted by members of his family after coming out and had not seen or spoken to them, nor had he told anyone else about his being gay, since the horrible encounter.  His situation was indeed unique to me, but more importantly, I learned that every situation is unique to the individual who is coming out.  Intervening before listening to the person could damage any trust and hamper your ability to support. 

Listen with your heart.  If someone is coming out to you, they are not looking for the right answer—they are looking for someone to truly listen.  If you are a good listener--caring, compassionate, and honest--you should be able to create an experience that nurtures regardless of where you both are in your journey.

Conclusion

The power that you can demonstrate as an ally can never be underestimated. You simply do not know who or how you can help others.  These may be your fraternity brothers, family members, past friends or new acquaintances.  My lessons learned are meant to inspire and help you consider your own process to becoming an ally for GLBT people.  The challenge for me is to continue down the path I started so long ago with the coming out experience of my high school friend, Greg.  The challenge for you is not much different. You do not have to wait for someone to come out to you.  Brotherhood and being an ally are synonymous in their nature. I can guarantee there are fraternity brothers who are gay in your fraternity and within your Greek system.  Some are closeted while others may be out within your campus community.  I can also guarantee, just like the stories in this anthology, that you will have more men rushing openly gay than ever before. Straight allies can make a bigger difference than you can possibly imagine.  A difference not only for the GLBT person but also in your understanding of who you are.  Like the Jesuit priests had taught me to not just be a good human being but “a man for others.” Your actions will also help fraternities live up to their potential as caring, nurturing organizations and uphold the promise of life-long friendship.

So, begin by answering these two questions: “Are you ready to be an ally?”  “Are you bold enough to commit to take a stand for others different from you?”   If so, then you are well on your way to becoming an ally and understand the true ideals of fraternity brotherhood.